February 2022

Again, she wakes up crying after napping for only 20 minutes. In an attempt to extend her nap, I’m sitting in my rocking chair with Elliett in my arms. It’s dark; static noise consuming the room. This is now the third time today where I’m trying desperately to get her to go back to sleep and it’s not even noon yet. She begins to wiggle and as I look down, I see that her eyes are wide open. Frustration and anxiety well up. She is going to be so exhausted. I’m exhausted. I have been at this all day. The back pain is searing. Rest is few and far in between. Feeding, changing, floor time. Then, I have to rock her to sleep, for what feels like forever, to only have her nap contactless for 20 minutes in her crib. Crying, more rocking (unsuccessful), repeat. Why won’t she just go to sleep? I sigh, lifting her to a sitting position and then onto my shoulder as I reluctantly turn on the lights, turn off the sound machine and put the nursing pillow on my lap. I lay her down gently and let her latch. After a couple seconds, I feel my let down. Then suddenly, a sharp shooting pain. One that I don’t recognize and a pain I haven’t felt before.

This would be the start of a long, dark next 5 months in my postpartum period.